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Endure

Endure

I have just recently returned form our performance at Wave Gotek Treffen in Leipzig Germany, and I have to admit that this single performance has taught me more about myself than any other in the last few years. We knew it would be an important show, but I don’t think we were really knew what that meant.

As a musician there are many levels of success. Most of us start out by performing in local coffee shops or for tiny events while still in High School. (I myself was in a Rush cover band called Vital Signs – yes it was the eighties….) After a few years of this we slowly move to small clubs in the local area performing for tiny crowds of people, opening for other small bands that are either local or traveling through.

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And time passes….

Next, if you have been able to establish any sort of fan base, you being to headline those tiny local shows in 100 person capacity clubs, and those “up and coming” local artist start seeking you out to perform with. As you become more established in the scene and you begin branching out to nearby cities whose club managers you met through local contacts.

Ravenwood

And time passes….

Its now several years later, and you are playing shows in clubs up and down the coast. Some are better than others, but each builds upon the one before and slowly, steadily your name gets out. This is when the first small festival promoters begin to call and ask you to open for other more established bands. As with every other phase of a musicians career, you slowly work your way up this ladder until people take notice.

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And time passes….

Now you have some momentum and your notoriety beings to build. Small festivals contact larger festivals, and those who you had been opening for, begin to open for you. You are well known in the scene and begin getting noticed in the press. One story feeds another and another and you soon find yourself at the forefront of an underground movement. Still obscure enough to be considered indie, but with one foot in the mainstream ready to break free.

AP Austin TX (7)

And time passes….

The stream of public consciousness is now aware of you. Successes build upon themselves more rapidly than before. People being to recognize you as you head to and from the shows, and the promoters are acutely aware of what you bring to the table. You start to receive calls to headline indie festivals that had passed you over year after difficult year.

This is where our most recent chapter ends, but the rest of the story is not yet written.

The moral of my short story is that there is no easy path to success. Only through consistent hard work, perseverance, tolerance for risk, and belief that this dream could be achieved that got us this far. There was no record label there to prop us up, and take away our creative freedom with vague promises of fame and fortune. There was no talent manager who saw a random Youtube video, and plucked us from nothing to stardom.

There will be times when you want to quit, when you want to give up because thing have gone so terribly wrong. But you have to persevere, and understand that things will only get harder, and the pressure will build as you get closer to realizing your dream.

Do not wait to be “discovered”, make them take notice.

Do not wait till tomorrow to do something you could do today.

Do not let others tell you why you cant do something.

Do not pass from Excuses to Regret.

Dream, Create, Endure, Live.

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Closure: Sacrifice

As promised, here is the second of four videos that I complied after my last deployment. They are really a photo compilation of things that occurred while I was in theater, and come from my own personal collection, as well as the photo collections of others operating within Salah Ah Din Province. (There are two enemy video that were discovered, one was from Taji Area, and the other was just north of Bayji.)

My experiences were not unique. There were many of us who lived and died side by side. Each Soldier and civilian in war has their own story to tell, their own burdens to bear. I hope this, as well as the others, help provide each of you a glimpse of something beyond the media. Something beyond the thirty second sound bite, or weekend news cycle.

This one is dedicated to MAJ Alan R. Johnson, and the other Soldiers who fell within the Brigade.

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From Dreams to Regrets

Dreams…

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How do we succeed in life? What does that even mean? Is it something that is defined by environment that we grew up in, or by the education we received? Is it defined by our parents, friends, or religion?

I have been wrestling with this particular idea recently as the thought of my inevitable mortality lurked in the back of my mind.

When we are young many of us yearn to start our new lives. We wonder what our first job will be. Will I be a famous actor? A doctor who cures a terminal disease? Will I meet someone special? We line up these precious dreams in neat little rows and  imagine what life will be like once they are achieved.

Recognition for great deeds done in the name of a common good.

Famous for our artistic talent now displayed proudly around the world.

Praise and adulations for heroic acts done for your family, for your country.

When we are young we sit, starry eyed, eager to start down a path so clearly laid out before us, and when that day comes we leap into the world. A world full of potential and promise, one where we will surely avoid the vices of humanity, be incorruptible to the evil which lies beneath smiling faces, be impervious to life’s tragedies that lurk, ready to ensnare the unwary.

But that was a lie….

As soon as we are left to our own devices, life becomes a struggle to survive. This struggle begins to crowd out our youthful hopes, replacing them with cynical apathy. We begin to realize this, slowly, unaware of the minutes ticking by as we plod forward with our lives.

“I’ll learn to dance, learn to sing, learn to fly next year. Right now I’m far to busy.” But days turn to weeks, then to years and our attitude morphs into something more “practical”.

“I remember I wanted to dance, but this job is far more important. I don’t have time to think about the silly dreams of children, I need to put food on the table, I need to provide for my family, I need to think about that next raise.” But as the years wear on our attitude changes once again.

“I wish I would have learned to dance, but I was so busy. I wish I could sing, there is so much I wanted to say. I wish I could fly, there are so many places I wanted to go.”

To dream

To wait

Excuses

Regret…

As I sit here I find myself awash in excuses for why I have not finished my personal and professional projects. I have too much to do at home, I have too much on my mind, I simply want to relax just for today. I am hovering dangerously close to the line between excuses and regret.

But there is a voice in my life, one who talks like I once did. Full of dreams, wonder and aspirations. I see myself in her, as I was so long ago, ready to conquer the world. She looks to me for guidance, for comfort, for understanding of the way things will be.

What kind of father would I be if I gave into regret? What path would she then choose? A life without dreams is a life without hope. A life without hope is a life unlived.

It is easy to say I will wait till tomorrow. It is hard to say I will do it today. But little by little I chip away at the walls that hide my dreams, catching brief glimpses of what lies just out of reach, working to stave off regret for just one more day

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Closure: Innocence

I decided to share this video that I complied after my last tour in Iraq. I had uploaded it to Facebook a while back, but wanted to give it a more permanent home here on my blog.

Most people need a way to understand and explain what they feel inside after a significant life event. Some of us write in a journal, others confide in those close to them. The worst thing we can do is let those unresolved emotions fester and turn into something darker or destructive.

This video, along with three others, were a type of therapy for myself to help come to grips with everything and bring a sense of closure. I will upload the rest over the next week or two.

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A Day in the Life (Everett, WA)

I had the intention of finishing up one of my short stories, but I have gotten distracted over the last several days with a multitude of different things. So as opposed to drawing you deeper into one of my fictitious worlds, I have opted to tell you about the show we just finished on Saturday.

I’ll begin by saying that I had a great time performing, and everyone that came was very excited. There were a few things that stood out with this show, the first was the fact that it was held in an older theater that seemed better suited for a play as opposed to a rock concert. Don’t get me wrong, the space was gorgeous, but there was very limited room to dance in front of the stage. (Ill get back to that in a second.)

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AP at the Everett Theater

Now, as this was an Abney Park concert we jumped right into the first song full of energy as the LED panels and robot spots came up slowly and began to pulse in time with the music. As the first song “End of Days” concluded we were met by thunderous applause and looked out into the audience to see….. an entire theater of people that were all sitting down! Arrghh!

One of the keys to keeping your energy up during the performance is to feed off the crowd. The more excited they are, they more dynamic our performance. A lack of energy can of course be compensated for through a few drinks, but the venue had no bar. Annnnyway.

As we moved into the next few songs we kept trying to get the crowd pumped up. Slowly a few people began to dance along the sides of the theater. After that, a few more stood up in their seats, and finally the dam broke and a flood of people rushed to the front of the stage.

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That was more like it. As a rock band, if you cant make your audience feel like dancing, then your doing it wrong!

After the show, we went back around our merch booth and mingled with the fans like we normally do. There were new and old fans, some dressed up, some in jeans, but everyone was having a good time.

Now you might be wondering, is there a point to this? The answer is not really as I am dead tired and rambling a bit…… Ok, thats not quite true.

As a band, we live or die by our fans and this show reminded me about that symbiotic bond. Its a bit hard to articulate what I’m getting at but it seems to me that our fans come to our shows not to only hear the music from the albums, but to experience it.

The difference between the two is this. To just play music while wearing blue jeans and stand unmoving behind a mic doesn’t engage the audience. If they just want to hear the songs, they could flip on an MP4 and listen on their phone. (That statement just reminded how old I am, as I remember when most of my music was on cassettes….. sigh).

People who go to a show want to feel as if they are part of the music. They want to see the emotion behind each song, the camaraderie between the members on stage, and the passion behind the performance. They want to feel as if they are seeing another side of the music, something they can share with the band.

Once off stage, we want to let everyone know how much we appreciate them, which is why the band makes it a point to be accessible after the show.  We are just regular people that just happen to be lucky enough to be playing music for a living after years of hard work, and have a great group of people to share it with.

I guess what Im getting at is its not all about the music. Its about the passion behind the music, the love of performing, and the willingness to let people in and share in that experience.

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Locked in Plastic

I have been going through my things recently, figuring out what I would like to keep, throw out, and give away.

I started with a pile of old electronics that had been piling up in one of the closets. Sifting through the tangle of cables I came across mice, keyboards, video cards, and about a hundred old cell phones. This was a laborious task to be sure, but by the time I was done I has taken about 10 boxes of crap and distilled it down to one. One item marked off of my list of a thousand things to do.

Last night I decided to do the same thing with my music / game bookcase…..

It started in much the same way as sifting the electronics did. I began by sorting everything into games, software, and music, in a attempt to filter out what I no longer needed.

The software was easy. Get rid of all the old drivers, operating systems, ect. This menial task took just a few minutes.

Next came the video games. I sorted a pile and began filing them away in a DVD binder.

It was then that I started feeling a bit strange, something in the back of my mind began to stir. Sensations and images flooded forward, stopping right on the precipice of my consciousness.

Amidst the pile I found the game Perfect General, and reminisced about my time living in an apartment at RIT. Hiding away in an upstairs room, as I tried to forget the pain of a love lost by neglect and just wanted the day to end.

Tucked in a forgotten corner was a copy of the original Bards Tale, and my mind flashed back to a blue house set back from the road, hidden by a thick row of pine trees. I remember sitting on my bed with an old C64, looking out my window as the snow fell in sheets in the back yard, sipping hot chocolate and dreaming of what the world will be.

As I began to walk through the music, my deep rooted feelings were even more pronounced. It wasn’t simply that a particular song would remind me of a time long ago, but that these were the actual CDs clutched in my hands during those moments.

Presto by Rush, memories of the first time I got on stage with Chris Chafee while in High School. The white overhead lights were oppressive and blinding as my hands shook while playing my new Les Paul. We stood in a shallow pit just off stage left, my eyes focused downward in desperate concentration.

Into the Labyrinth by Dead Can Dance, the smell of stale air and cloves hanging heavy. A dim room lit by red and white flashing lights. A place of beginnings and endings.

As the hours wore on I eventually assembled two binders that traced my life over the last 30+ years. A life half lived distilled down into two collections that had a story to tell, but only to me. Memories frozen in time, locked within a thin disc of plastic and aluminum, never to be experienced again.

I slowly closed each binder and placed my life upon the shelf just above the desk. An empty space sits beside them. Waiting.

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Time Capsule

I eluded to the fact that I had found some old posts from my time in Iraq in 2007. One in paticular was written just a few months after I returned home and made me think about where I am in my life. I haven’t edited it at all, and I think demonstrates just how surreal things can be at times…..

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Do you ever sit back and think about all the things you have experienced and how each has effected the one that came after? The reason I mention this is that I have found myself wondering how I have arrived at this point in my life. I am back in the military, and I have been promoted to MAJ. There is no turning back now in my career. I have official quit Target and have a full time position at Fort Lewis.

Speaking of quitting Target, they were not quite sure what to do with me when I arrived that day. HR met me at the front office and asked what paperwork would I like to fill out first. I said “The voluntary resignation paperwork please….” That was a strange conversation. I was asked why I wanted to leave, and the main reason really was that I could not go back to that community. One that seems impersonal by its very nature. A big box organization whose bottom line is the reason for its existence. I could not comprehend going back to counting inventory and directing workings on the docks. I have a deep seeded need for something more than that, something bigger.

It may seem selfish to some degree, but I could not be in the environment again. Not after what I have been through. My CA team was in the Army Reserve Magazine (402nd CA BN). We were talking about our operations in Tikrit and the inherent dangers and rewards therein. It really snapped me back into the mindset from over there. It’s hard for me to believe that I have only been back for 3 months and so much seems to have changed.

I am playing my first concert with Abney Park this Saturday, and we should be releasing our new album in about a month or two. I would like to point out how surreal this still feels, seeing as I had not even seriously played an instrument in 4 years. This particular opportunity has caused me to think about how I got here, and I am amazed that I am here at all. (And still with a family). I told Robert (The lead singer for Abney Park) what my mindset was going into the audition, seeing as no one thought I had a chance. I said “I will work as hard as I can to be ready for the audition, because if I do not get I want to be able to say that it was because someone was better than me. Not because I did not try hard enough.” I think this has been my mindset throughout my life when it comes to things that I really want to accomplish. I look at opportunities that I had, which I failed at, and I realize that I did not really put all my effort into them.

The one thing that I regret, the one thing that I wish I had committed more time to, is my friends and family. It is so easy to take things for granted when life gets busy, but you have to step back and look at what’s important….